Translation Tuesday: Immortal by Miklós Vámos

How do you say goodbye to those you love? In Immortal, one man concocts a desperate plan: to mistreat his wife and daughters in the hope that it will lessen their pain when he inevitably dies from terminal illness. An emotional rollercoaster, full of twists, jokes, ironic digressions and absurd scenarios, this dark, comedic stream-of-consciousness by the prolific Miklós Vámos swells with feeling, dexterously captured in Ági Bori’s translation from the Hungarian. Read on to slip into a mindset irreversibly eroded by anguish.

XXXXXlet’s have a man to man conversation
XXXXXdon’t tell me you’re doing everything that is humanly possible
XXXXXit’s been nine months since I first came to see you, they sent me here with my lab results since you’re a nationally renowned expert, aren’t you, doctor, and you looked deep into my eyes with that nationally renowned expertise of yours, let out a long sigh, and told me: this is where your knowledge ends, given that my case is not operable, but you wanted me to believe that you’re doing everything that is humanly possible, and you might also recall that I received the news quietly, and only asked, how much time do I have left? you tried to dodge the question, you beat around the bush, saying you’re not a psychic, the same illness could manifest itself in numerous ways, there is no universal rule, but when I cornered you, you finally spit out that I had about six months to live, and I thanked you
XXXXXon my way home I reflected on what still remained for me, what my realistic expectations should be, and I refrained from swearing, because the larger the problem, the more calmly my brain operates, it turns into a sober and reliable computer, back then I was working on my doctoral dissertation, The French Enlightenment and its Hungarian Relations, which still needed two to three weeks of work before it would be complete, was it even worth finishing, I pondered, but then I decided to devote the necessary time to it, let it be finished, order has been important to me all my life, why would I back out on my own principles now? as soon as I type up the final copy, I’ll bid a proper farewell to everyone and everything, people and things I loved…then let…let it come
XXXXXit was impossible for me to know ahead of time that at home I’d find myself in the middle of a surprise party, thrown by my younger daughter for my older one on the occasion of her acceptance to medical school, my wife had also been left out of the party planning, we both found ourselves surrounded by teenagers in a celebratory mood, my mother-in-law was there too, in the middle of frying up the one hundredth traditional Hungarian flatbread for the crowd; how wonderful that I lived long enough to see this, I thought, my older daughter’s dream has finally come true, God created Márti to be a doctor, that’s for sure, but what a pity that by the time my younger one, Klári, will be applying to college, two years from now, I won’t be here, if she’ll apply at all, she’s a much worse student than her older sister, she has no idea at the moment what she wants to be, and she probably won’t figure it out in the next six months, this is such an ice-cold, soppy feeling
XXXXXmy plan was to share my news in bed with my wife Sára, but she was so elated from the party that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise, she kept bringing up the evening’s most memorable moments, from Márti’s tears of joy to the joke telling competition, which, by the way, Sára won, despite the fact that she really messed up the bearded waiter joke, but she didn’t mess up the next one about a policeman who’s entrusted with the task of telling his colleague’s wife delicately that her husband passed away, so he rings her doorbell and says, “Does Widow Mrs. Kovács live here?” “I’m not a widow!” “Yes, you are!”—the guests laughed their heads off, including me, though this joke hit too close to home
XXXXXSára kept talking and talking, her face was flushed with excitement, her complexion changed to the color of a spring apple, which made me realize this was not the right moment for me to overwhelm her with my troubling news, I decided to postpone it until the next day, so I kept stroking her silky shoulders, kissing her neck, her face, and so on, my God, how much I love this woman, I married well, until now she could’ve also assumed that she had chosen herself a good husband, how shitty it will be for her when she finds out
XXXXXthe next day I didn’t go to the library, because I was simply unable to get out of bed, then it dawned on me: I’m sick! Sára assumed this was my annual fall influenza, making its usual rounds, she made me hot tea, put aspirin, vitamins, and a thermometer on my nightstand before she ran off to work, to Bajza High School, where she taught French and English, and if I may add, brilliantly, as far as I could tell, perhaps it would’ve been a better decision on my part to stay in a high school too, that untarnished excitement, which is still present in high schoolers, no longer exists among university students
XXXXXmy mind was made up that as soon as Sára got home, I’d ask her to sit on the edge of my bed, and I’d get straight to the point, casually, naturally, but carefully, while holding both of her hands in mine, but none of that happened, because she brought me tiramisu, my most favorite dessert, for which I’d walk all the way to Vienna, if I had to, she brought me an entire tray of it, it must have cost a fortune, we usually live very frugally
XXXXXit was during that night that I realized: I will never be able to tell her, or Márti and Klári, no, I simply can’t, God forbid—knock on wood—if they ever told me something similar, the pain would kill me, it is my wish for them to outlive me, forget all about me as soon as possible, finishing my dissertation was no longer a priority, instead, I must help them forget me, help as much as it is humanly possible, what’s more, I must help lessen their pain at all cost, the pain that awaits them once they find out the truth, that’s when I came up with a plan, whose execution seemed like the hardest task ever, I could not imagine anything harder, yet I managed to convince myself to do it, I gave it all I’ve got, knowing I had only six months left, perhaps it’s long enough for this
XXXXXof course I’m aware that my idea sounds strange, but it seems like the most obvious thing to do, it surprises me that others, who find themselves in similar situations, wouldn’t want to do the same, at any rate, I’ve never heard about anyone doing it, but if it all goes according to plan, I will manage to have Sára and my two daughters hate me, therefore losing me will be a less significant loss, that’s the idea
XXXXXif possible, I’d rather not talk about the awkward details, I did horrible things, and pretended to do even worse ones, for example, I cheated on Sára with her best friend, and as God is my witness, not one cell in my body lusted after Gizella, not to mention that it was all in vain, because despite getting caught red-handed, Sára refused to believe that I could do such a thing in our marital bed, she had complete faith in Gizella, too, and was certain that it was just a joke, I had to repeat the act with others, and as if that wasn’t enough, I stole and lied, misbehaved while under the influence, had a car accident, yelled and ordered everyone around at home, broke things, became physically abusive, to this day I still don’t understand how I could beat my daughters, of course I was drunk as a skunk
XXXXXfive and a half months later I lay on a urine-stained mattress, in a dirty rented room, satisfied with the outcome: I was alienated from my family (also from my job at the university, but never mind that), I was staring at the ceiling, doctor, waiting for your prediction to come true, my soul was filled with surrender and peace, while, at the same time, a strange and unexpected feeling caught my attention, and it took a long time for me to recognize what it was: Mother of God, I’m hungry! I almost forgot what it felt like to be hungry, so I ate, but I was too impatient to slice the bread, so I tore it into pieces, next came the ham, I took huge bites and devoured them, gradually I kept getting better and better, and when the seventh month passed, I came to see you again, I was subjected to a lot of unpleasant exams once more, you shook your head in disbelief, saying you had no idea what could’ve happened, but somehow my illness was in remission, my results are good, as a matter of fact they’re excellent, especially compared to the previous ones, it was time for me to rejoice, enjoy life, now I had all the time in the world, they say that when news of someone’s death spreads, that person will live forever, will be immortal, haha
XXXXXto be honest, I would’ve liked to punch you in the face, exactly where the bridge of your nose and your glasses meet, but I raced to my wife and girls instead in order to clear up the situation, to set my wrongdoings right, but they refused to talk to me, it’s easier to lose love and trust than to gain them back, gaining them back is the hardest, once again I’m going to skip the details, basically I had to reconcile with my wife, my two daughters, and even my mother-in-law—she was the toughest nut to crack
XXXXXafter three months of determined fighting I was almost back to my dream life, things started to work themselves out, no one could’ve been happier than me, but last week the old and familiar symptoms unexpectedly attacked me again, bam! I’m ready to pull my hair out, what am I supposed to do now
XXXXXdon’t tell me that you’re doing everything, everything that is humanly possible, that’s not enough
XXXXXnotenough

Translated from the Hungarian by Ági Bori